Top Ten Things I’ve Learned While Medicated

Being under the influence of doctor-prescribed meds (and a touch of delirium from lack of sleep) during recovery has been an eye-opening experience. I’ve compiled a collection of groundbreaking insights I'll share with you. While many epiphanies are borne of pure genius, mine are more likely, pure inaneness.

Doorknobs Are Grossly Overlooked

I mean, really think about it. Doorknobs are gatekeepers–the forgotten heroes of any room. They let you in, keep things out, and yet, when was the last time anyone truly appreciated a good, sturdy doorknob? I feel an overwhelming sense of respect for these unsung heroes.

Everything is Funnier in Slow Motion

I watched Wes swagger from room to room one day, and let me tell you, it was like witnessing a majestic ballet in slow motion. Every step was a triumph; every movement, a moment of comic genius. The dogs and I laughed so hard, we scared the cat.

I Might Be a Genius… or Maybe Not

There was a solid hour or so where I was convinced I had scribbled the solution to world peace. Upon further investigation, I realized it was just a grocery list with “more peas” underlined three times.

Gravity is only a Suggestion

There’s something about being a little woozy that makes you realize how precarious walking really is. I mean, here we are just balancing on two feet all day, trusting that gravity will keep us grounded. Bold move, Sir Fig Newton. Bold move.

Blankets Have Personalities

One blanket feels like a warm hug, while another feels like it’s smothering me. Each one has a unique vibe, and I’ve started addressing them by name. My favorite is ‘Sir Snuggles III—a true comfort in times of need. Silly Wes, he insists a blanket is just a blanket.

Flavored Water is a Lie

They tell you it’s lemon or lime, but no matter what, it always tastes like regret. Why does it exist? I couldn’t tell you.

Daytime TV Has No Rules

I stumbled across a show about extreme fishing that quickly turned into a cooking competition featuring llamas (or was it yams?). Who gets up in the morning and says, "Today I'm going to produce a groundbreaking reality TV show on singing donkeys."? And why was I so invested? I have no answers. But I would gladly watch singing donkeys.

Clocks are Judgy

There’s nothing like staring at a clock when you’re stuck in bed. Every tick feels personal, as if the clock is saying, “Shouldn’t you be doing something?” Meanwhile, I’m here just trying to figure out what day it is.

Hospital Socks Deserve Respect

Those non-slip socks might not be winning any fashion awards, but they are the quiet MVPs of hospital attire. It’s not just about grip; it’s about dignity on the linoleum battlefield.

My Pillow Has Opinions

I swear my pillow has developed its own quirks and preferences. Some days it’s a cloud; other days, it’s a rock. I’ve even started negotiating with it before bed. Pillow politics.

So there you have it—the top ten things I’ve learned while floating in and out of my medicated haze. So if I start philosophizing about doorknobs and socks in everyday life, at least you’ll know why!